While I have been casting my job search net far and wide via various friends and business associates (many of whom wear both hats), I have also been accessing several websites in my quest for employment, including old friend Craigslist. I have not visited CL's personals section in many weeks. But, after scouring their job listings late last night in preparation for the morning e-submissions, I decided to check in on the latest requests for LTRs (that's "long-term relationships" for you married folk -- or, as I like to call you, "The Undating"), solely for entertainment purposes. A couple of entries caught my glazed and jaded eye, only because they were so inventive and well-crafted (elements sorely missing in 99.6% of CL posts), and I responded to one, just to hear myself write. I'm quite certain I'll hear nothing back, which suits me down to the nub.
Herewith is the oddest of the two posts, followed by my response in kind:
RAINY DAYS, MONDAYS AND HEAD TRAUMA ALWAYS GET ME DOWN.
First of all, I'm looking for a woman who can be kind, sweet, and give me an alibi. Yes, an alibi. When the cops come to you and ask where I was last Saturday, you say I was watching a video with YOU. Uh...maybe "When Harry Met Sally." I was at your place from about 6pm til uh....let's say 1am. That should do it. Thanks.
I'm very religious. I built my own God out of Playdough. It sorta looks like a monkey holding a huge sword. If you'd like to join my sect, services are on Monday nights and consist of helping me paint my apartment. A small price to pay for everlasting salvation.
For once I'd like to see a post that's something like this...."Hi!! I hate to laugh. My friends would describe me as NOT down to earth. I'm floating WAY above the globe. I have SO much spare time, but use none of it to travel, because I hate traveling. If I get more free time, I still won't travel." Now THAT would be an original post!!
Oh, by the way, I hate to travel.
I made a yo-yo out of manhole covers. Apparently you can put someone in a coma if you hit 'em on the head while doing a "round the world." Hey, it wasn't MY fault, I didn't even see that crippled kid sneaking up behind me.
I wear a HUGE smile everywhere I go. It offsets the middle finger I give everyone. It really shows people's true colors. If you're an optimist, you see my bright smile. If you see my finger, you're probably a Communist.
Write back to me!! Send me a pic of someone else and claim that it's you!!! Write at least 19 words.
...after a hearty LOL, I dashed off this reply:
IT WAS GOOD FOR ME; HOW WAS IT FOR YOU? ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN.
If I didn't know better, I'd fall in love with you.
But don't you worry your little pink head about that; I know better. PLENTY better.
And yet...I'm a sucker for the smartass. A kind, sweet sucker, who'll do just about anything for her man. Except whistle. It makes unsightly lines around the mouth. Which is why I just quit smoking crack and try as much as possible not to speak French.
I have been saved. Many times. Often by a still, small voice. Hello? You there again? How ya doin'? Nah, I'm not going to jump off that bridge. I was just looking.
My mother has only one leg. Got tired of walking, so had the other one lopped off. Now people treat her with respect and bring her things. She's very happy.
I believe in the truth, even if it's painful. Even if I have to lie to find it. In fact, the more pain and lies, the better. That which does not kill you makes you a jar of peanut butter. Irreverence is mine, sayeth the Lord. And He should know. He's made a pretty penny off of me with that one line alone.
So, if you care -- if you REALLY care -- you'll leave me be and go on about your business. Otherwise, let's meet at the next available Starbucks and order random fish.
~~~~
Unlikely as it is that I'll get an answer, I promise to report back if I do. But what lunatic would want a woman who'd offer such a drugged-out Gilmore Girls comeback?
No, really...give me a name.
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