This is especially for my musician readers...
Most of you know I'm also a singer who has gigged around New York and LA. Mom grabbed this bit of Internet humor for me in the midst of its cyber-rounds, knowing I'd be able to relate all too well; she and I have both known too many "girl singers" (as we're STILL called -- FYI, we prefer "female vocalist") who'd be paying BIG fines for these offenses:
SINGING OFFENSES AND ACCOMPANYING FINES
Singer's Name __________________________________
Singer's Real Name _______________________________
Date of Offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______
PREPARATION/PERFORMANCE OFFENSES
Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15
Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15
Takes over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50
Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75
Lays mic down on stage and walks offstage-$15
Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20
Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25
Lays mic down facing monitor-$50
Points mic toward monitor, causing feedback during song-$75
Straight-arms mic when singing-$15
Drops mic-$10
Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100
Doesn't have set list-$10
Doesn't have keys on set list-$15
Doesn't have original songs charted-$20
SINGING OFFENSES:
Doesn't know key to songs-$10
Doesn't know when to come in-$15
Modulates without informing band-$20
Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30
Forgets original singer of song-$10
Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30
Goes off-key while singing acapella-$200
Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30
Sings bad harmonies-$35
Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40
Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25
Forgets to sing bridge-$20
Forgets words-$20
Sings verses out of order in song-$15
Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100
Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20
Looks at pager while singing song-$10
Sings consistently flat-$25
Sings consistently sharp-$25
Sings too softly-$5
Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - N/C
Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30
Wants to sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100
Thinks that "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" is a new Terri Clark song rather than the old
Warren Zevon song-$50
Thinks that "I Will Always Love You" is a new Whitney Houston song instead
of an old Dolly Parton song-$100
"Dolly who?"-$50
"Patsy who?"-$75
STAGE PRESENCE OFFENSES:
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
Plays tambourine-$10
Plays tambourine out of time-$50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts lying all over stage-$25
Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
Tells jokes over mic-$5
Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
Tells bad joke and then laughs hysterically about it over mic-$500
Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35
Argues with band members onstage-$150
Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175
Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200
Gripes at band onstage-$20
Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75
Walks offstage to use cell phone on gig-$15
Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30
Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick
onstage-$15
Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60
OTHER MISCELLANEOUS OFFENSES:
Late for gig-$30
Dates a musician in the band-$50
Dates the drummer-$150
Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20
Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50
Uses fictitious last name-$50
Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a
STAR"-$20
Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$100
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