If this guy didn't live in The Valley, I'd answer his ad.

Yes, I am, in fact, THE ONE! - 51

Reply to: pers-@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-20, 8:05PM PDT

Below is a list of phrases so overused in ads that, if I never see them again, it will be too soon! If YOUR ad does not contain ANY of the following lines, please contact me immediately!

10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)

9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Wow, a person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual. I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")

8) "Down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)

7) "Looking for THE ONE" or the ever-popular "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)

6) "I'm ____ years old but I look much younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more situps, I could still make the Yankees starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)

5) "I'm an intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)

4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)

3) Your ad has no picture, but you say, "Trust me, you won't be disappointed."
(Trust me, I will.)

2) "Don't worry, I plan to loose (sic) the weight real soon."
(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?!)

And finally, add them all up, and you have the Number One Ad I'm Tired Of Seeing, and it goes something like this....

1) "Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 30! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes and large mansions! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"
(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)

Location: The Valley
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone." -Gladys Browyn Stern

"Sometimes it takes darkness
and the sweet confinement of
your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."
-David Whyte

This insightful Irish poet based in Seattle is one of the primary inspirations for the documentary I'm producing and directing for my dear friend Adrian Marinovich...and the 3 weeks I've just spent on the road provided scads of illustrations for this particular section of his piece titled "Sweet Darkness." As life is wont to do.

I haven't written in quite awhile -- not here, not anywhere. Last night, I stopped my body and mind long enough to realize how much I miss it. But as soon as I'm finished shooting images, there will be words to reckon with.

Meantime, I'm off to be with my Vegas-based, health-challenged mom, who lovingly gave me the English language.

Oh yeah, and my life. Thanks again, Mom.

Sincerely.