the answer was, "yes."
beautiful word.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
angels and heroes and friends, oh my.
i was deep in the woods, but i wasn't alone...and i didn't know it 'til i called out to be found.
the answer was, "yes."
beautiful word.
say it again.
the answer was, "yes."
beautiful word.
Monday, February 01, 2010
invocation.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
her name is evelyn.
for the past two years, i have been directing a documentary that celebrates those who have chosen to stand up to the myriad challenges of life, who take each difficulty and turn it into an opportunity...people who walk the path of a hero. my mother is one of the interviewees. she was chosen, not because she is the director’s mother, but because she is, by any application of the definition, a hero in her own life.
she was third of nine in a working class white southern family, whose father was only home long enough to procreate and punish, whose mother loved and spanked with equal conviction, whose oldest sister patiently shared the responsibility of raising 8 willful children.
she dreamed of leaving the tiny carolina town, of living in a place that could hold her defiant energy, of singing, of finding her light. in her travels, she met her famous mate, and they moved to the biggest city in the world, where she lived in his light and, years later, brought me in to live there, too.
he took her around the world and to the white house. we reveled in the rarefied air of celebrity, and swirled in the dark and drunken world of underappreciated genius. the three of us, with all our love and good humor, were an easy match for the glamour, but not for the dysfunction. they loved and fought and loved and wept. was this the drama of which she’d dreamed?
she ran with him, me in tow, from metropolis to mountain, from mountain to prairie, and back to the start, stopping only to lick wounds and locate the joy amidst the madness. it took years, and one more move, to rebuild lives that had been pummeled by choice and circumstance.
she never left, though she threatened. she made mistakes, no more or less than any good human being. but she loved as unconditionally as a woman can love, and when he died at too young an age, at the shimmering edge of hard-earned peace and fresh promise, she crumbled before she could find her way on her own.
through the constant challenges, with the hidden blessings of illness and loss, in conscious surrender to prevailing forces, she accessed her original strength, tapped into a will forged in the fires of this relentless life, and she has found her own brilliant light.
so, she is a hero, though she will not accept the laurel. she is my hero. i am ever grateful to have joined her on this journey, and ever proud to be her daughter.
she was third of nine in a working class white southern family, whose father was only home long enough to procreate and punish, whose mother loved and spanked with equal conviction, whose oldest sister patiently shared the responsibility of raising 8 willful children.
she dreamed of leaving the tiny carolina town, of living in a place that could hold her defiant energy, of singing, of finding her light. in her travels, she met her famous mate, and they moved to the biggest city in the world, where she lived in his light and, years later, brought me in to live there, too.
he took her around the world and to the white house. we reveled in the rarefied air of celebrity, and swirled in the dark and drunken world of underappreciated genius. the three of us, with all our love and good humor, were an easy match for the glamour, but not for the dysfunction. they loved and fought and loved and wept. was this the drama of which she’d dreamed?
she ran with him, me in tow, from metropolis to mountain, from mountain to prairie, and back to the start, stopping only to lick wounds and locate the joy amidst the madness. it took years, and one more move, to rebuild lives that had been pummeled by choice and circumstance.
she never left, though she threatened. she made mistakes, no more or less than any good human being. but she loved as unconditionally as a woman can love, and when he died at too young an age, at the shimmering edge of hard-earned peace and fresh promise, she crumbled before she could find her way on her own.
through the constant challenges, with the hidden blessings of illness and loss, in conscious surrender to prevailing forces, she accessed her original strength, tapped into a will forged in the fires of this relentless life, and she has found her own brilliant light.
so, she is a hero, though she will not accept the laurel. she is my hero. i am ever grateful to have joined her on this journey, and ever proud to be her daughter.
Monday, January 11, 2010
fun with craigslist, part two
now you can have the IKEA skruvsta swivelpod chair you love...in white - $50 (DTLA)
Date: 2010-01-11, 2:48PM PST
Reply to: sale-5uwvs-1548118451@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
you know this chair. it's comfy, height-adjustable, and it rolls oh so smoothly.
buy it new here: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/00073181
or buy it used from me: yes, it has wrinkles in the seat; i sat in it for a year. if you bought it new, YOUR seat would eventually have wrinkles, too. so, this is PRE-WRINKLED FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. it's perfectly functional, undamaged, and clean. and it's SO much less expensive.
come to my loft with the requisite cash, and it's all yours.
- Location: DTLA
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 |  |
fun with craigslist, part one
hold the history of rock 'n' roll in your hands... - $250 (downtown LA)
Date: 2010-01-11, 1:27PM PST
Reply to: sale-wntz5-1547972521@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
...in actual, undigitized, unbound copies of ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE. read about rock the way it was MEANT to be read! see it! feel it! touch it! smell it! it's f-ing ROCK 'N' ROLL, for god's sake!
the prices next to each issue are what you'd pay if you purchased from http://www.pastpaper.com -- but don't. they're all yours for a quarter of a grand. GREAT (and cheap!) gifts for friends born in the day.
out-of-country spammers: i'm on to you. don't waste my time.
1979
8/9 rickie lee jones $18
10/18 sissy spacek (interview by cameron crowe) $18
11/1 martin sheen (apocalypse now) $18
11/15 bonnie raitt/bruce springsteen/carly simon/james taylor/jackson browne/graham nash/john hall (muse) $20
11/29 the eagles $20
12/27-
1/10/80 1979 year in music $12
1980
1/24 rock & roll tragedy (11 die @cincinnati who concert) $12
4/3 linda ronstadt $15
4/17 the clash $15
5/29 the pretenders $15
6/12 ted kennedy $18
7/10 john travolta $18
7/24 billy dee williams/mark hamill/carrie fisher/harrison ford (star wars/empire) $50
8/7 jackson browne $15
10/2 robert redford $15
10/16 pat benatar $15
10/30 the cars $15
11/13 mary tyler moore $15
11/27 michael douglas/jill clayburgh (it’s my turn) $12
12/25-
1/8/81 1980 year in music $15
1981
1/22 john & yoko $250
2/19 the police $15
3/5 goldie hawn $15
3/19 warren zevon $18
4/2 roman polanski $15
5/14 inside the gun lobby $15
5/28 susan sarandon (white palace) $15
6/25 harrison ford (raiders) $20
7/9 margot kidder $15
7/23 tom petty $15
8/6 rickie lee jones $15
8/20 bill murray $15
9/3 stevie nicks $15
9/17 jim morrison $30
10/1 yoko $15
10/15 meryl streep $15
11/26 bill hurt $15
1982
4/29 john belushi $30
5/27 natassia kinski $15
7/22 E.T. $25
8/19 jeff bridges (tron) $15
9/16 robin williams $15
1983
7/21-
8/4 carrie fisher/darth vader (star wars/jedi) $50
1985
8/15 live aid $18
1986
10/23 tina turner (torn) $10
1988
9/8 100 best singles of the last 25 years $20
12/15-
12/29 yearbook $20
1989
7/13-
7/27 the who (double issue) $18
7/29 michael keaton (batman) $15
12/14-
12/28 yearbook $20
1990
9/6 m.c. hammer $15
1992
11/12 history of rock & roll photography $20
1994
1/27 kurt cobain interview $20
6/2 kurt cobain memorial $40
9/22 jerry seinfeld as elvis $15
12/29-
1/12/95 david letterman (double issue) $20
2004
9/30 fifty greatest portraits $35
2005
3/24 hunter s. thompson memorial $20
5/19 orlando bloom (gladiator) $15
6/16 dave matthews band $12
2007
5/3 #1 of 3 special anniversary issues $35
7/12 #2 of 3 $25
11/15 #3 of 3 $20
2009
4/2 gossip girl/ice cream cone $12
PostingID: 1547972521
the prices next to each issue are what you'd pay if you purchased from http://www.pastpaper.com -- but don't. they're all yours for a quarter of a grand. GREAT (and cheap!) gifts for friends born in the day.
out-of-country spammers: i'm on to you. don't waste my time.
1979
8/9 rickie lee jones $18
10/18 sissy spacek (interview by cameron crowe) $18
11/1 martin sheen (apocalypse now) $18
11/15 bonnie raitt/bruce springsteen/carly simon/james taylor/jackson browne/graham nash/john hall (muse) $20
11/29 the eagles $20
12/27-
1/10/80 1979 year in music $12
1980
1/24 rock & roll tragedy (11 die @cincinnati who concert) $12
4/3 linda ronstadt $15
4/17 the clash $15
5/29 the pretenders $15
6/12 ted kennedy $18
7/10 john travolta $18
7/24 billy dee williams/mark hamill/carrie fisher/harrison ford (star wars/empire) $50
8/7 jackson browne $15
10/2 robert redford $15
10/16 pat benatar $15
10/30 the cars $15
11/13 mary tyler moore $15
11/27 michael douglas/jill clayburgh (it’s my turn) $12
12/25-
1/8/81 1980 year in music $15
1981
1/22 john & yoko $250
2/19 the police $15
3/5 goldie hawn $15
3/19 warren zevon $18
4/2 roman polanski $15
5/14 inside the gun lobby $15
5/28 susan sarandon (white palace) $15
6/25 harrison ford (raiders) $20
7/9 margot kidder $15
7/23 tom petty $15
8/6 rickie lee jones $15
8/20 bill murray $15
9/3 stevie nicks $15
9/17 jim morrison $30
10/1 yoko $15
10/15 meryl streep $15
11/26 bill hurt $15
1982
4/29 john belushi $30
5/27 natassia kinski $15
7/22 E.T. $25
8/19 jeff bridges (tron) $15
9/16 robin williams $15
1983
7/21-
8/4 carrie fisher/darth vader (star wars/jedi) $50
1985
8/15 live aid $18
1986
10/23 tina turner (torn) $10
1988
9/8 100 best singles of the last 25 years $20
12/15-
12/29 yearbook $20
1989
7/13-
7/27 the who (double issue) $18
7/29 michael keaton (batman) $15
12/14-
12/28 yearbook $20
1990
9/6 m.c. hammer $15
1992
11/12 history of rock & roll photography $20
1994
1/27 kurt cobain interview $20
6/2 kurt cobain memorial $40
9/22 jerry seinfeld as elvis $15
12/29-
1/12/95 david letterman (double issue) $20
2004
9/30 fifty greatest portraits $35
2005
3/24 hunter s. thompson memorial $20
5/19 orlando bloom (gladiator) $15
6/16 dave matthews band $12
2007
5/3 #1 of 3 special anniversary issues $35
7/12 #2 of 3 $25
11/15 #3 of 3 $20
2009
4/2 gossip girl/ice cream cone $12
- Location: downtown LA
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
 | |
Friday, January 08, 2010
eero aero.
the first time i flew alone, i was 12 years old, flying to LAX from JFK for my first summer vacation with my godparents. i flew TWA. i told mom and dad i always wanted to fly TWA because they made the best scrambled eggs (as covered in a previous post) and had the most beautiful terminal at JFK...before i knew who eero saarinen was, i loved his work. practically magical...
Sunday, February 10, 2008
"Sometimes you've got to let everything go...
...purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything -- whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self, comes out." - Tina Turner
Monday, January 21, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
bite me.
you're having a good dinner with a good friend. a medium rare hamburger, blue cheese fries, sharp vinaigrette on the crisp mixed greens, conversation about things and stuff and whatever.
you bite the burger, chew it and bite the inside of your lower lip. you bite it once and yelp a little from the pain and the surprise that you'd actually bite your own tender flesh. you taste a little blood that mixes badly with the blue cheese, but you don't bleed long enough to confuse your taste buds.
you're talking and eating and eating and talking and you intrude upon your own chatter with a forkful of salad and you bite the inside of your lower lip again, in the exact place as the first bite. fuck. the vinaigrette burns the bitten skin, you sip ice water and swoosh it. you notice your friend pretending not to notice your lips are leaking liquids.
you engage in an inner dialogue: stop. listen to him. eat and listen. chew and swallow, THEN speak. but the verbal exchange animates; it cannot be constructed or controlled.
and you bite the inside of your lower lip AGAIN, as if you had been programmed from birth for this precise moment when, during this very meal, your teeth would meet in the wrong place at the wrong time and bite the meat of your mouth with the meat in your mouth in multiples.
you say nothing of this to your friend, but the meal is over for you. your tongue wants only to run back and forth along the inflamed bump, to soothe the bitten nerves, to protect your inner lower lip from further massacre. your mind can contain no other thoughts.
you know the drill: the healing will only take a day or so. saliva is a miracle balm. you will remember this evening -- the luscious hamburger, the lively intercourse, and the repeated injuries caused by that very combination -- as long as your tongue can find the wound.
but the wound will heal. there will be another conversation during another meal.
or you can shut up and starve.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
3 minutes of madness.
i am nothing but trouble. the good kind of trouble, in which you think you might have fun if you just close your eyes and pretend you've made a promise you can keep so they will throw an old-fashioned ticker tape parade in your honor with your arms open wide enough to catch the moon before it drops behind the mountain where you've hidden treasures that can only be detected by magic spectacles made of candy glass and chicken wire by the brainiac with the golden heart and the dog who resembles groucho marx without the moustache while smoking a cigar that was rolled by nimble cuban fingers in the back room of a cottage snuggled on the eastern shore of lake champlain as it spits sun perch into the fryer for a supper planned well in advance of the ice floes slipping into view from a pigeon-crusted rooftop straight out of hitchcock's damaged soul that rocked the gown worn by the late blonde when she reached for the receiver and asked for mercy on the morning everything we love about macaroni and cheese became a poster child for the past sins of omitted quotations attributed to the twains and nary the twains of longing and hope in the midst of melted irish butter on a stack of platters playing songs that remind us of who we love and why we would rather breathe.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
"Your neighbor's vision is as true for him as your own vision is true for you." -Miguel de Unamuno
At last! I have located my true vision...Zandecompressed.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
"An artist is a creature driven by demons..."
“...He doesn’t know why they choose him and he’s usually too busy to wonder why. He is completely amoral in that he will rob, borrow, beg or steal from anybody and everybody to get the work done." - William Faulkner
Just in case anyone was wondering where I've been...
Friday, August 24, 2007
If this guy didn't live in The Valley, I'd answer his ad.
Yes, I am, in fact, THE ONE! - 51
Reply to: pers-@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-20, 8:05PM PDT
Below is a list of phrases so overused in ads that, if I never see them again, it will be too soon! If YOUR ad does not contain ANY of the following lines, please contact me immediately!
10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)
9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Wow, a person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual. I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")
8) "Down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)
7) "Looking for THE ONE" or the ever-popular "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)
6) "I'm ____ years old but I look much younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more situps, I could still make the Yankees starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)
5) "I'm an intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)
4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)
3) Your ad has no picture, but you say, "Trust me, you won't be disappointed."
(Trust me, I will.)
2) "Don't worry, I plan to loose (sic) the weight real soon."
(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?!)
And finally, add them all up, and you have the Number One Ad I'm Tired Of Seeing, and it goes something like this....
1) "Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 30! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes and large mansions! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"
(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)
Location: The Valley
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Reply to: pers-@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-20, 8:05PM PDT
Below is a list of phrases so overused in ads that, if I never see them again, it will be too soon! If YOUR ad does not contain ANY of the following lines, please contact me immediately!
10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)
9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Wow, a person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual. I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")
8) "Down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)
7) "Looking for THE ONE" or the ever-popular "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)
6) "I'm ____ years old but I look much younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more situps, I could still make the Yankees starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)
5) "I'm an intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)
4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)
3) Your ad has no picture, but you say, "Trust me, you won't be disappointed."
(Trust me, I will.)
2) "Don't worry, I plan to loose (sic) the weight real soon."
(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?!)
And finally, add them all up, and you have the Number One Ad I'm Tired Of Seeing, and it goes something like this....
1) "Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 30! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes and large mansions! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"
(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)
Location: The Valley
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone." -Gladys Browyn Stern
"Sometimes it takes darkness
and the sweet confinement of
your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."
-David Whyte
This insightful Irish poet based in Seattle is one of the primary inspirations for the documentary I'm producing and directing for my dear friend Adrian Marinovich...and the 3 weeks I've just spent on the road provided scads of illustrations for this particular section of his piece titled "Sweet Darkness." As life is wont to do.
I haven't written in quite awhile -- not here, not anywhere. Last night, I stopped my body and mind long enough to realize how much I miss it. But as soon as I'm finished shooting images, there will be words to reckon with.
Meantime, I'm off to be with my Vegas-based, health-challenged mom, who lovingly gave me the English language.
Oh yeah, and my life. Thanks again, Mom.
Sincerely.
and the sweet confinement of
your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."
-David Whyte
This insightful Irish poet based in Seattle is one of the primary inspirations for the documentary I'm producing and directing for my dear friend Adrian Marinovich...and the 3 weeks I've just spent on the road provided scads of illustrations for this particular section of his piece titled "Sweet Darkness." As life is wont to do.
I haven't written in quite awhile -- not here, not anywhere. Last night, I stopped my body and mind long enough to realize how much I miss it. But as soon as I'm finished shooting images, there will be words to reckon with.
Meantime, I'm off to be with my Vegas-based, health-challenged mom, who lovingly gave me the English language.
Oh yeah, and my life. Thanks again, Mom.
Sincerely.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
“And now,” cried Max, “let the wild rumpus start!”
Life is aflood with change.
Work I love has come to me after an uncomfortable drought. Work my dear friend B loves came to him at the same time. Our unbridled diligence and founded faith, at last acknowledged by the Universe.
Two friends have miraculously resurrected their marriage; two other friends are in the process of dissolving theirs. Another friend found the woman who appears to be his mate in under 3 weeks. Regular contact with the first and last has been affected...understandably, I guess.
My oldest Yahoo! email account has been spammed into dysfunction. I have opened a Gmail account and am getting used to Google management.
I have, at last, met a father's-side-of-the-family cousin (and her family) after a lifetime of never having known any of my dad's relatives. She, and they, are wonderful people and we had an amazingly, immediately comfortable time together. I am incredibly lucky.
Not at all incidentally, on that very reunion day last week, Mom was taken to the hospital...a reminder that our bodies are but temporary housing, and subject to the wear and tear of life. She's home, now, in remarkable spirits, and awaiting definitive word on a couple of conditions.
My next-door neighbor is moving back to NYC. I am a little sad and not a little envious.
There are other shifts in the wind. Always. And I am braced.
Work I love has come to me after an uncomfortable drought. Work my dear friend B loves came to him at the same time. Our unbridled diligence and founded faith, at last acknowledged by the Universe.
Two friends have miraculously resurrected their marriage; two other friends are in the process of dissolving theirs. Another friend found the woman who appears to be his mate in under 3 weeks. Regular contact with the first and last has been affected...understandably, I guess.
My oldest Yahoo! email account has been spammed into dysfunction. I have opened a Gmail account and am getting used to Google management.
I have, at last, met a father's-side-of-the-family cousin (and her family) after a lifetime of never having known any of my dad's relatives. She, and they, are wonderful people and we had an amazingly, immediately comfortable time together. I am incredibly lucky.
Not at all incidentally, on that very reunion day last week, Mom was taken to the hospital...a reminder that our bodies are but temporary housing, and subject to the wear and tear of life. She's home, now, in remarkable spirits, and awaiting definitive word on a couple of conditions.
My next-door neighbor is moving back to NYC. I am a little sad and not a little envious.
There are other shifts in the wind. Always. And I am braced.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I can't sleep yet.
I can't watch Sex & the City reruns anymore; I know how it turns out. They all live happily ever after and make a zillion lifetime dollars in residuals.
I can't be friends with a former lover. I don't know why it's so hard for me. Maybe it's hard for everyone, but the ones who say it's easy are lying. I also notice that the ones who say it's easy are (mostly) men.
The other thing about that is, I can't stop trying.
I can't bear to look at the ivory half moon hanging in my window right now. I have to turn my back on it, close the drapes. It reminds me of things I want and don't have.
I can't believe I'm writing a book. I can't believe it's taking me so bloody long to write it. I do believe it will be a ridiculous hit.
I can't think too much about my past. I miss it sometimes.
I can't express enough gratitude for my mother. And for the other women and men in my life who seem to care for me almost as much as she does.
I can't imagine being dead, but I know it's coming. Not soon, probably. Sometimes, not soon enough.
I can't wait to make my first movie. I don't care if it's a story I wrote or a story I love. I know I'm close. I can reach my fingers out in an impossible stretch and almost touch it. I know it will feel like mink and kisses.
I can't understand why I'm sleeping so badly. Theories abound, but listing them now would only reinforce the insomnia.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't not do this.
I can't be friends with a former lover. I don't know why it's so hard for me. Maybe it's hard for everyone, but the ones who say it's easy are lying. I also notice that the ones who say it's easy are (mostly) men.
The other thing about that is, I can't stop trying.
I can't bear to look at the ivory half moon hanging in my window right now. I have to turn my back on it, close the drapes. It reminds me of things I want and don't have.
I can't believe I'm writing a book. I can't believe it's taking me so bloody long to write it. I do believe it will be a ridiculous hit.
I can't think too much about my past. I miss it sometimes.
I can't express enough gratitude for my mother. And for the other women and men in my life who seem to care for me almost as much as she does.
I can't imagine being dead, but I know it's coming. Not soon, probably. Sometimes, not soon enough.
I can't wait to make my first movie. I don't care if it's a story I wrote or a story I love. I know I'm close. I can reach my fingers out in an impossible stretch and almost touch it. I know it will feel like mink and kisses.
I can't understand why I'm sleeping so badly. Theories abound, but listing them now would only reinforce the insomnia.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't not do this.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
9-month-old wisdom from a dear friend. It's working.
"However aggravating [this person] may be, I think [this person] is also your teacher about learning to constrain, contain, and purify your energy of relating. You get so exhausted from giving, but you also resist a teacher who essentially says, 'Stop giving. I don't want all that.' And that's part of the reason you're in a struggle with someone whose energetic style is so different; you have a hard time learning this lesson on your own, so you unconsciously turn to someone who enforces it on you. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to ACCEPT it: accept the limits and constraints and use them to learn how to modulate your giving. You know how hard this is, because you grew up believing you could only get what you needed by giving so much. You need to learn to contain your energy so that you become more of a magnet to people (and to money, for that matter) -- drawing in energy by an invisible force of attraction, and using energy drawn to you to nourish your naturally generous nature."
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The truth has no time frame.
"People like to imagine that because all our mechanical equipment moves so much faster, that we are thinking faster, too."
-Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
-Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
This is a lovely Valentine to receive...
...it certainly defuses the tone and content of my Anti-Valentine series. I am touched and mollified.
The fact that it's anonymous reminds me of the little Valentines I received from "Your Secret Admirer" in elementary school. And its poetic style reminds me of the many beautiful, heartfelt Valentines written for me by my ex. Sweet/bittersweet memories.
Maybe I'll just think about Saint Valentine today...
Anonymous said...
Hallmark doesn't make love.
It doesn't recognize beauty, nor does it understand the heart.
It is not very creative, and it invents holidays for profit.
You enthrall more than you realize.
We stand captivated from a polite distance.
The fact that it's anonymous reminds me of the little Valentines I received from "Your Secret Admirer" in elementary school. And its poetic style reminds me of the many beautiful, heartfelt Valentines written for me by my ex. Sweet/bittersweet memories.
Maybe I'll just think about Saint Valentine today...
Anonymous said...
Hallmark doesn't make love.
It doesn't recognize beauty, nor does it understand the heart.
It is not very creative, and it invents holidays for profit.
You enthrall more than you realize.
We stand captivated from a polite distance.
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