Not an exact quote from The Book of Exodus...but I thought of it last night, after X and I saw "The Constant Gardener," at what he billed "the most beautiful theatre in LA." He wasn't lying about that.
(If you plan to see the film, but haven't yet, there are spoilers in the next paragraph, so go away and come back later.)
In the film, the wife lies about her activities to protect her husband from being hurt by the facts. We -- including the husband, played by a heartbreaking Ralph Fiennes -- are led to believe that the wife, Rachel Weisz's character, is having an affair, multiple affairs. One overheard snippet of conversation reveals that she thinks of her relationship with her husband as a "marriage of convenience." Later, we discover she's referring to something completely different.
It occurred to me this morning, as I woke from not enough hours of sleep that, if Rachel hadn't been killed, she'd have had to confess to him at some point. There's no way they could have gotten through years of an entire marriage without facing, embracing, and moving on from, the truth. But that's another film entirely.
I believe it's true of all intimate relationships. Trusted, respected, beloved partners, lovers, and friends, don't lie to each other. They may be protective and find gentle ways of making the truth more palatable. But they don't offer outright lies. Or even lies of omission, which are just as effective.
What do you do when you know a beloved friend has been lying to you...even if they're lying so as not to hurt your feelings or damage the relationship? Isn't the real damage done when you lose trust in that lying friend, when you don't know how much of what they tell you is fabricated for your protection? Is it a lie of omission on your part if you don't address the betrayal? Do we hold back from confronting the issue out of fear? Maybe the truth would be devastating. But maybe the deeper truth is they're not the friend you thought they were. Maybe you'll lose the friendship. But if they're given to lying to you, what are you losing but an untrustworthy friend?
And do you have any responsibility in this? What is it about you that has made it so easy for them to lie to you? Did you institute a "don't ask, don't tell" policy at some delicate point? If so, are you willing to change the rules for the sake of honest, full disclosure? Wouldn't there then be less questions to ask and more time to get on with the rest of your life?
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