Saturday, April 29, 2006

gegenschein (GAY-guhn-shyn) noun


Definition: A faint oval patch of light directly opposite the sun in the night sky, caused by reflection of sunlight by dust particles. Also known as counterglow.

She isn't writing hers, she's rewriting others.

It's okay. It's a treadmill for her brain. It buys fuel and a 12.5' ceiling with adjoining walls, laundry detergent and tunafish, tamari almonds and skin cream, electricity and strawberries. It makes her think of better words and tighter phrases. She files them for future reference, or when she runs out of sheep to count.

She's the one who loves the tangled string, the gnarled necklace, the jumbled Scrabble tiles. She'll pick it apart and restore it to sanity.

Vocabulary and syntax are her closest associates, but they've been out of touch, lately. She's been wandering through fog, aimlessly reaching out for the next lamppost (and missing it), tripping on unseen cracks in the concrete (but not falling).

From her slurry tongue, you'd think she was drunk. She prays it is only the deepest fatigue that has temporarily made off with her facile mind, keeps her from her customary coherence. Life takes a toll. She wants to take it back.

I hear her weeping in moments of solitude, when she remembers true love held hands with her, sat next to her on the couch, cuddled with her in bed, brought her soup when she sniffled. She scribbles it later, in books and on scraps. (You’ll find yourself someday, written in her hand. Stuck on a shelf or bobbing in the sea. You’ll recognize it because it will be the truth.)

She dreams she’s supposed to be in Dallas, but has mistakenly flown to Houston. Her dream is about getting to Dallas in time. It’s no wonder she’s dizzy during the day.

She has lost patience for the mundane, the immature. Sometimes, she considers starting over elsewhere. But she knows she'd still be here.

She needs water to breathe and air to float; she needs to stretch and only remembers when stiffness sets in.

I take her to all the best places. To be healed, to be fed, to be delighted. It is what she deserves. Everyone says so. I have to remind her. We all have to remind her.

She forgets she is the sun.