"A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind." -Henry David Thoreau

Funny I should love that quote, when I make a good living -- well, it's a good living in South Dakota; not so much in LA -- creating "games and amusements" for mankind. Perhaps it's the "stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed" portion of Thoreau's observation that resonates all too deeply for me. Whenever I try to conceal my (sometimes considerable) despair, I blow it up like a dirigible (if you don't know what a fucking dirigible is, watch the damn Hitler Channel) until it explodes -- mostly in my own face, sometimes in the faces of my beloved ones. Then I proceed to hate myself, plummeting further into a more conscious despair and (depending on the source of the depression) eat. Or not. Eating would be for a fear-based/stress-related/hormonally-charged despair. Not eating is, of course, the heartbreak-related despair. I've recently lost about 5 pounds. Who the fuck needs Atkins when you've got unrequited love on your plate?

Last week, I was asked by dear friend M to speak at her BDA meeting. I'm not a Business Debtors Anonymous girl, but the 12 steps are the 12 steps -- one size pretty much fits all of us addicted sorts. I understand I spoke rather eloquently on the finer points of sobriety and its myriad practical applications, but I don't pay much attention when I'm speaking extemporaneously. I figure, if you've really had the experience, the words will flow. I let go of my inhibitions in the way that I now do -- sans alcohol and pot -- and reached quite a few of the people in the room, judging by their questions after my "pitch." Odd to have a Q&A after speaking at a 12-step meeting. We never do that in AA...but this is Business, so I guess it necessitates another level of communication.

One of the questions -- the last one, in fact -- came from a man whose eyes had filled up at one point in my talk, in which I referred to my spiritual path. He asked me how I know when I'm not connected to my higher power. The thought came to me immediately: Depression. I explained that, when I'm depressed, I completely forget how protected and loved I am, I feel lost and abandoned -- and that is a function of my ego. So many heads nodded at this revelation, they looked like a shelf full of those rear-car-window bobber toys.

It's the truth. When I forget I'm inextricably connected to the Source, to the Higher Power, to -- (that's right, Mom, why use all the euphemisms?) God -- I spin out of control, unrecognizable to my true self. I loathe myself so much, it's almost narcissistic. It's what drove me to the bar, to the liquor store, to the friend who always had great bud.

So I stop, and take a breath, and maybe weep a little (or a lot). And thank God that I figured it out again. And every time I get a little better at managing the mess. I even avoid making it, much more than in the past.

Despair teaches great lessons, if you have faith and remain vigilant. And despair sucks.

I'm gonna go home and watch TV.